Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
