When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
