There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
