the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
