Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
