I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
