Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
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And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
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What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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