I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
birth control should be required to get into college
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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