Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
