Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
This house was built for laser tag.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
