woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
