I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
