I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
