I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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