I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Come on in and take your pants off
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