I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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