: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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