running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
