morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
