i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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