The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
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When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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