imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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