y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
