The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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