Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
