Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
