I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dear god my vagina.
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