My sheets look like a crime scene.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I have fence marks all over my body
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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