oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
