I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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