i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
