If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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