John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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