well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
