I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
