This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
