Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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