There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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