I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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