Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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