burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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