i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
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Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's official drugs can't kill me
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
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Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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