I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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