if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
