his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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