Did you just see the Batmobile???
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
