Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
