I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You took a bar mat shot.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
