the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
