1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
we made out on top of his cat.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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