I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
