im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
