I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
