i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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