Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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