never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
