yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
