i just had sex bonerless
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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