Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
