just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
